Restless

Finally. Today. I feel like I am able to breathe a little without missing the little women. I think about it and I almost feel foolish. I am pretty certain I can nail down the reason for all my angst. I am restless. I think, I have always been a restless soul. I have never been one of those people who has been certain of their path. I know that no one is 100% certain, but so many people seem to have a clue. I don't even feel like I can touch that category on my tippy toes. Not having the little women home to occupy me, scares me. I am alone with my thoughts. My mind is the scariest room to be in. Over the last couple of years I have really learned that I cannot change this particular part of me. Some things are just completely out of our control. I just have to give it up. Not the "I don't care" kind of give it up. But "hand it over" kind of give it up. God wants it. He wants to hold this weakness of mine. He wants to show me, if only I will let him, that He can work with it. I am trying. It is daily. Sometimes hourly. I have to be conscious of it. 
His will. His way.
Last night, we read Lillie's devotion, and I had to snicker.

The heading read, "What Are Your Strengths?"

  

We all have different gifts. Each gift came 

because of the grace that God gave us.

-Romans 12:6-

He is working on me. He is reassuring me that I am on the right path. First, I had to start with giving it up. No second guessing. No looking back. No worrying. Did you know that the word worry in German means "to strangle."? In Greek it means "to divide the mind." How am I ever going to be able to find my strength? To find that purpose that He created me for? The one thing that I can do better than anyone else? 

I don't know. I really don't, but I believe that I am on the path. The path that walks right beside Him. That is the start. He will show me. It may be a slap in the face glimpse. I know there are more glimpses that I don't even recognize, but I am trying. It will be in whatever way He deems it to be. It will only happen through faith. And trust. And knowing that only He can truly give me peace. That peace that seems to always be too far out of my reach. 

My gift is there. I believe it is close to starting to bloom. Not as tightly budded as it was a year ago. Or 6 months ago. Closer than it ever has been, and for that, I am forever grateful.